In 1997 I had found a hypnotic trigger in the form of a cross on a chain with a screw and a spring connected to the chain, and when I made the word association I heard a 'pop!' in the back of my head and suddenly I heard voices and saw cartoon like people in my imagination, and later found out I had gotten the first and third most disabling conditions, according to Social Security - active psychosis and dementia praecox.
After a few years I remembered that I had found the trigger years earlier while I was attending BCC, but realized it meant someone had messed with my head and threw the cross, chain spring and screw away and drove the thought of them out of my mind.
Close your eyes really tight and see if you can see millions of little white points of light.
If you do you have 'visual snow', which the Mayo Clinic says affects 2% of the population.
In 2017 we had a hurricane in St Pete and I had just gone vegan for a week.
My phone was off and the cloud cover made the inside of my tent completely dark.
What felt like a 1/2" diameter ball pushed down from my brain into my mouth, then pushed out through my left cheek, hopped on to my chest, then my shoulder then hopped down to the floor of the tent.
While the ball was outside of my head my vision was completely dark.
The ball hopped back up into my chest and waited, so I put it back into my mouth and it rose up into my brain and these cartoon visions I see and talk to grew up and projected themselves into my mind's eye in a few seconds.
While the ball was outside my head I did not have psychosis and I did not have 'visual snow' it was completely dark and felt very empty and lonely.
near 2015 went out walking at 3:00 am from the ravenel bridge in north charleston crazy and seemingly free, at least from my medication, looking for adventure and pizza and met this very charming and lovely lady who said her name was 'queenie' and that my mom had sent her as we walked to an old graveyard in charleston i sang a line of this song i liked to sing when was out walking by myself to her
she said then that she loved that song and it was one of her favorite songs:
- julia
another julia who saved a giant tree named 'luna':
perpetrated a crime against our community college creative writing teacher when i was a senior in high school
she got us to write journals also and we were supposed to report on the things we did during the day but my life was so boring i started writing song lyrics instead and writing down ideas for inventions and drawing leaves and plants for learning landscaping and landscape architecture
she later became a successful and talented artist - jan aronson - her step son was a songwriter and gave away a number of his songs to popular artists, including a very famous one to celine dion
he eventually became the creator & owner of both the warner music group and universal music group
years later i began to hear songs on the radio that i believed i had written the lyrics to after all of the notebooks i kept as journals had gone missing
one of the songs i believe i wrote the words to was 'what's the frequency kenneth ?' by rem
i mention it because there is a line in this song that i believe i know what the meaning of it is and i would like to explain it as i percieved when i believe i wrote it - because of julia's nickname
i had fallen off a roof and got amnesia just before i believe i wrote the first draft lyrics when i tried to go back to the community college around 1985-86 for the fall semester
the teachers and advisors i trusted told me to that i should drop out of college before i messed up my grade point average (now a still clean 3.0) because i had trouble speaking - my voice was slurred after i fell off a roof
i remember writing what i believed was the first draft of 'what's the frequency kenneth ?' in the berkshire community college activity center after reading a story about dan rather reporting having been attacked by two men, one of whom asked him 'what's the frequency, kenneth ?' in the library's copy of 'rolling stone'
as you can tell, that is an intriguing story
what i wrote in my journal about it was what i believed was word salad - just nonsense phrases that sounded crazy, which conveyed the feeling i got from the rolling stone story, but they sounded too childish and innocent - like 'alice in wonderland'
i remember writing 'butterfly teacup, two for tea' then
later i became homeless in florida and remember wanting to fix up that poem and struggled with it
had recently (then) read a science fiction story that was based upon an older story about hunters who travel back in time to hunt dinosaurs, but one of their vehicles ran over a dragonfly and changed their future
the newer time travel novel was about what became known as 'the butterfly effect' about how a butterfly can create a hurricane through time
i believe when i wrote the words 'butterfly decal rearview mirror dogging the scene' i percieved heart's 'dog and butterfly' with that time travel warning story, compounded with mac davis's 'happiness is lubbock, texas in my rearview mirror'
if the notebooks ever come forth and my beliefs about them validated, at least you will know what the lyrics meant, from my perspective
but the main thing that i received from those journals, which has immeasurable intrinsic value now, is that, after attempting suicide 3 times and feeling a really deep longstanding shame hidden inside me for decades, finding out here with the phones about ms aronson and her family really healed that awkward gaping spiritual wound inside me and now my life feels truthfully god-scripted and divinely inspired
i believe the same feeling awaits all of you as well
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